Flying solo

My husband and I were separated. He hung himself. It's been almost a year and still memories haunt me. I get so angry usually. I have been just trying to stay busy and basically avoid thinking about him at all. Sometimes, thoughts of him come to me and I can't stop blaming him for leaving the world in that way. I know he was menatlly sick, that is why we were separated, but still...I feel like he did this to punish me. I just can't get into my head how final his death is and sometimes when something happens that he should deal with, I remember he isn't here and I don't know what to do.

I have so many unanswered questions. My husband and I didn't make peace before he died and perhaps there is some guilt on my part for not doing more to help him. The last thing I said to him was that the marriage was over unless he got help and I left. The next time I saw him was in the funeral home. It was before they had a chance to clean him up and it was a nightmare scene.

I'm pretty much closed off from the world. My friends kept wanting me to talk about him and I simply can't answer their questions so I stopped contacting them and stopped answering the phone. I have a personality like a porcupine and it is difficult for me to get close to people. I just have a hard time discussing personal things, but on here it is different. It's more like writing in a journal and a reply magically appears.